Friday July 8, 2011
It’s just after 8:30 a.m. on Friday morning in the summertime, and I just put in a load of laundry. Tears for my missing deceased kitty Posey still come several times daily. (I woke up at 3:21 a.m. today and the first thing I did is cry a bit for Posey, who I miss so much, and the last thing I did last night at 10:30 p.m. something was to cry for Posey.) Posey was my very frequent laundry room buddy and helper during the past year, so I especially miss her there. I am currently keeping in the laundry room the black igneous “broken heart” shaped rock that I found in the Russian river near Healdsburg on July 4 - as Posey is why my heart is currently broken.
When I was in the laundry room just a few minutes ago, I was recalling how when I was with K2 and K3 and Posey, I would frequently gently stroke Posey over and over, proclaiming, “We have a kitten, we have a kitten, we have a kitten” with an awe-filled voice. (K2 and K3 and I had been calling Posey “the big kitten” since we got younger kitten Oliver on May 14, and since Posey had turned 1 on about May 20.) Since Posey is missing to us now … we don’t have that kitten. So I am sad - heartbroken! I wanted to have loved her for quite many years – but I guess we did love her well for almost her whole life. So … I’m crying again for my kitty who is gone from my arms and purview (purr-view?), but whose body is actually something like only 10 feet from me as I type this now. I failed to protect Posey kitty, which is what I said I’d do when I signed on to care for her for 20+ years – and I’m having trouble forgiving myself and moving on.
The day of her demise, Tuesday June 14, I lied down on the family room sofa in the late morning with a slight headache after leaving the sliding glass door cracked for Posey, since she had been cooped up all morning. Usually we made the morning gardening rounds together, but I had been up since 12:30 a.m. with a headache, and just wanted to lie down for a bit, and maybe even try to doze to make up for some of my missing sleep. I figured Posey would just roll on the warm bricks right outside our family room door and patrol the pollinators on the lavender bush as she usually did. She usually didn’t seem to like to venture far from me, and if I wasn’t outside, she either wasn’t outside or was right outside the family room door or the living room sliding door, looking at the insects. I am so glad I gave Posey a thorough and loving stroking and cooing-to when I returned home from my volunteer commitment at 10:15 a.m.; I really got her purring that morning, good - I specifically recall making a mental note to tell K2 later that I had gotten Posey purring really well this morning. What made her go to the street? (If we can presume a car hit her.) Did she follow me to the mailbox when I checked for the mail around midday? I don’t remember her being there, or checking the mail, but I virtually always check the mail at that time. Did she stay near the street if she shadowed me, and get distracted into the street at the wrong time, or did something scare her and make her bolt into the street? Or did that happen when she was out by the street on her own, when I wasn’t watching her or exactly aware of where she was? – When I was not on guard for the sweet kitten I had signed on to love and nurture and protect. And does it even matter? Now her ions are feeding back into the soil, and she is nourishing the soil, just like some mouse ions were nourishing Posey’s mother, when she was pregnant with Posey roughly a year and a half ago. I put pansy seeds into the soil over Posey’s spot, and I put freshly bloomed jasmine blossoms there, too. I know I love getting my hands into all our soil and always have, so I feel connected to Posey in that way, too, because she is of the soil now. I also feel connected to Posey and all good beasties in being able to recall that I’ve always treated cats well and lovingly, and nurtured them, and given them “my last hamburger” (which my friend Scott once marveled at, but I wasn’t too impressed with, since I knew my next meal was due in only a few hours). I wish I hadn’t teased Scott’s cat Pancho with aluminum foil, which Pancho was very frightened of, but I was very young and stupid then, and I think that was the only time I was mean to a cat. I've always treated dogs very well, too.
We are all destined someday to be has-been corpses, because of the nature of time; it’s just a matter of when. It’s good to know corpses are part of the cycle of nature, too. I Still think it’s neat that there is life.
I have been able to exercise vigorously - but not too much, as I’m sometimes prone to do, in my fit middle-aged arrogance - at the Southwest YMCA this week. Lately since mostly having stopped running again after the Girls on the Run 5k on May 14, I’ve only been doing 30 minutes of vigorous cardio (usually elliptical, sometimes treadmill running 10 minute miles for 15-30 minutes still). My weights go quickly because I’m only doing single sets, and I get them done in not much longer than 30 minutes, these days. Last July, I set new weight records for myself at my gym, and was exercising a lot – and I didn’t even Know Posey kitty existed yet. (Strange to think, there was a Time Before I loved Posey. It feels like I’ve Always loved Posey. I first met her and fell in love with her cute and dear face on August 3, 2010.) Anyway, although I am still working fairly committedly in weights, a lot of the equipment they had last year is gone, which cut my daily weights a lot, and I just haven’t felt called to grow myself a lot in that area, recently. Maybe such progress will come again sometime, or maybe I’ll just maintain the good strength I have now. I AM leg pressing 210 pounds now, after all – 2 sets of 12 because the second set is a calf raise rather than mostly thigh. I do get my heart going hard enough during cardio each time that I can only squeeze out a few words, and I keep that up for 30 minutes, at least, numerous times a week. Anyway. Just trying to stay positive in the way that I can, right now.
By the way: an online definition of “purview”: the extent or range of function, power, or competence; scope; range of vision, comprehension, or experience; outlook.
© 2011 (July 8) 90hazelnut, All Rights Reserved.
0 comments:
Post a Comment